By Chidinma Okafor, Lifestyle & Wellness Columnist
Love should feel secure, but for people with an anxious attachment style, it often feels like a tug-of-war. You crave closeness desperately, yet you’re haunted by the fear that it could vanish at any moment. It’s a cycle of longing, doubt, and emotional intensity that leaves many drained and misunderstood.
Where It Comes From
Anxious attachment usually begins in childhood. Imagine growing up in a home where affection was inconsistent—sometimes overflowing, sometimes absent. That unpredictability teaches you that love isn’t guaranteed, and you must constantly earn it.
In some cases, children even become caregivers to their parents, learning early that their worth is tied to keeping others happy. That pattern follows into adulthood, shaping how intimacy feels.
Signs You Might Have Anxious Attachment
-
Low self-esteem: You see value in others but doubt your own worth.
-
People-pleasing: Overextending yourself to earn affection.
-
Perfectionism: Believing only flawless behaviour makes you lovable.
-
Fear of abandonment: Constantly bracing for rejection or loss.
-
Difficulty setting boundaries: Saying “no” feels like risking love.
-
Sensitivity to moods: Reading every shift in tone as a personal threat.
-
Resentment and criticism: Fighting for closeness in unhealthy ways.
-
Emotional overwhelm: Struggling to regulate feelings when triggered.
Breaking the Cycle
Healing anxious attachment isn’t about erasing your past—it’s about rewriting how you respond to love today.
-
Feel your feelings: Acknowledge emotions without letting them control you.
-
Self-love: Validate yourself instead of waiting for external approval.
-
Boundaries: Learn to say “no” and protect your energy.
-
Ask for what you need: Vulnerability builds trust when expressed clearly.
-
Consistency in relationships: Seek partners who offer stability and reassurance.
Loving Someone With Anxious Attachment
If your partner struggles with this style, patience and clarity are key. Be consistent, communicate openly, and encourage vulnerability. They’re not “clingy” for the sake of it—they’re seeking safety.
Final Word
Anxious attachment doesn’t define you—it’s a survival pattern you learned. With awareness, compassion, and practice, you can move toward secure attachment, where love feels less like fear and more like trust.
In Nigerian culture, where “hard guy, hard guy” often masks vulnerability, recognising anxious attachment is a reminder that strength isn’t about hiding emotions—it’s about learning to love without fear.